Under a Striped Blanket

I have spent the day alternating between working on my computer and shivering under a blanket on the futon in my office. I feel a little ill today, but I suspect that it is really a response to yesterday's homestudy. I didn't realized how nervous I was until it was over and I finally exhaled.
The social worker was very nice, a pleasant, slightly frazzled looking woman with pale brown hair. I did a decent job of cleaning the house and getting most of our paperwork together. Looking from the outside in, I could tell the worker approved of our home and that I give the appropriate answers to her questions. From the inside I wasa wreck. I was fumbling. I am still pissed with myself that two of our four smoke detectors had dead batteries. I was mortified! I was kicking myself when I couldn't find some key papers. And to top things off, moments before the social worker arrived my normally sleeping cat showed up in the living the proud bearer of a live mouse. After screaming, I managed to shoo Henry and the soon-to-be dead mouse into the basement right before the worker rang the doorknob.
I know this first meeting went well and we are scheduled for a follow visit in two weeks. I suppose I am really nervous about committing to this terrifying, wonderful process. Sitting in my artificially clean living room with this very nice and overworked case manager, I was conversing calmly about parenting someone else's child, someone who has not made an adoption plan for this child, someone who could hate and resent me, an interloper. I am planning on parenting and loving a child where there is a very real chance that he could be taken away from me. I read online forums and articles and watch new reports and generally foster parents are right up there with evil stepmothers and man-eating giants as top villains. It is terrifying to be someone's bad guy, to be part of the child welfare system, a system where even the proponents admit there are terrible flaws. Is it any wonder why I want to lie under a blanket?
Parenting classes are scheduled for January.